When I lost you, I lost myself
by FindStoryteller
Summary: Regina & Robin are soulmates & happily married. They have two adorable boys together, Henry (7 years) & Roland (4years) they live in a little town in Maine. Regina is a Lawyer & Robin is a soccer coach of the school they studied. What if something really tragic happens? How would they cope with that? Would they be able to find their way to each other again? AU Outlaw Queen
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One.

It's the end of August in Maine. It's still summer and the sunlight is entering through the curtains, slowly brightening the room and gently dancing on their faces. Another day is about to start. The idea of leaving the bed and face the world makes her mentally pout.

Her bed is cozy and the alarm hasn't gone off yet, so she still has some minutes to spare before start off the day. She buries her face into her pillow and signs in content. Robin must sense that she is waking though, because he tightens his hold around her waist. With that, she opens her eyes slightly and turns into his embrace, facing him.

It was too hot last night and Robin decided to dismiss his pajama's shirt before going to bed, which she appreciates very much. With the hand resting on top of him, she decides to trace his muscles, drawing lazy circles on his chest.

His lips curve into a small smile and he brings her closer to him without opening his eyes.

"Good Morning" He says with a sleepy voice.

"Morning" She answers not quitting her ministrations.

They stay in silence for a couple of minutes, just enjoying each other's warmth.

A few moments later the alarm goes off and Regina reluctantly leaves his embrace to turn it off. When she turns back, his eyes are open, his blue orbs silently complaining about the loss of contact. When she ignores him and starts to stretch, he pulls her back to him.

"Is it time to get up already?" He grimaces making Regina chuckle.

"Unfortunately, yes…" She says with a sign, giving him a peck on the jaw.

"Uhm… I was hoping I could take some advantages of my wife before starting the day…" Robin muttered, pecking her neck and holding her tight by the waist.

"As much as I would love that, we really need to start moving or the boys are going to be late." Regina says bringing his face to her and giving him a kiss.

Robin grunts into the kiss and tries to deepen it, but Regina stops him, gets of the bed and walks towards the bathroom.

"I don't think they would mind being late…" He tries.

"No, they certainly won't. But my boss and your boss would, very much."

She stops at the door, looks over her shoulder and says with a mischievous grin:

"Besides, the kids are going to stay at your parents tonight. So, we have the house all to ourselves". She winks and closes the door.

Robin doesn't answer that. Just bites his lips, thinking _God, she definitely drives me crazy_, and sinks into the bed again.

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Their morning routine during the week is quite calm and they can't complain about. Henry is not a morning person by any means, but he has adjusted and is old enough to fend himself. Not that he would let his mom give him any assistance, he is seven now and boys at this age don't need their mom's help anymore. At least it's what he says. Roland, on the other hand, is still too young to do everything by himself, and really doesn't mind getting help, especially when he can sleep while their parents are dressing him.

Robin is an excellent husband, always helping with Roland in the morning and fixing some breakfast for the boys. Being a soccer coach, he has all these principles that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and that their children need to be well fed every morning, which Regina really appreciates, because gives her time to calmly get ready to work.

Regina works as an attorney at Gold &amp; Cassidy LLP, the firm has a well-known reputation with offices in Boston and New York. Regina and Neal Cassidy, Mr. Gold's son, know each other since they were kids, their families are very close and they studied together their entire life, including university. Both of them dreamed of being lawyers and decided to attend the same law school, in Boston. When Neal's father decided to open a branch office in Boston, Regina and him started working there as interns. After they graduated, Neal followed his mother, who is the head in the New York office, and Regina came back to Maine, where her life was.

Robin was always the athlete one; he was transferred from England on his senior year of high school and joined the soccer team. Regina could still remember like it was yesterday when he first got to the school. The topic of the week among the girls was the new British guy. Regina couldn't understand what all of the fuss was about; it was just a new student, probably a handsome one, from another country. Until the students annual welcome party, when she first saw him. He wasn't handsome. No, he was the most gorgeous guy she had ever seen. He had the most piercing look and all she could do was stare at his deep blue eyes and get lost. His skin tone matched perfectly his dark blond hair, and when he smiled, showing those adorable dimples, _God_, she almost couldn't breathe. The feeling must have been mutual, cause he couldn't take his eyes off of her all night. They fell in love fast and hard. After that day, they become inseparable; Regina and Robin didn't exist without each other.

One year after his arrival, Robin went to university in Portland, studied economics and kept playing soccer during this time. Despite the distance, which became even bigger once Regina went to Boston, their relationship never lost its power; on the contrary, it got even stronger. With that in mind and sure that they were made for each other, after their graduation they got married and decided to settle down in Maine, where they met. Robin persuaded his true dream and became the soccer coach at Franklin Junior – Senior High School, their school, and Regina kept working with Mr. Gold and other lawyers between Massachusetts and Maine.

Life couldn't be better. Everything in their lives seems to be in sync. And there is where they are right now, the kids devouring their breakfast and Robin, still in his pajamas, pouring two cups of coffee.

Regina rushes into the kitchen all set for the day greeting her two little boys who barely divert their eyes from the food in front of them. Robin is leaning on the counter and uses this very moment to check out his wife. She is wearing one of those business dresses that are tight to her body, emphasizing her curves - specially her ass - _Beautiful._ When she notices his eyes wandering through her body, she raises her eyebrows to him, walks the short distance between them without taking her eyes from him, and grabs the cup of coffee from the counter behind him. He just shrugs his shoulders and smiles at her.

"Uhm! This coffee is amazing, dear. Exactly what I needed ", she says closing her eyes, savoring her coffee and moaning in the process, just to play with her husband.

"Good" Robin chuckles and bites his lower lips, before adding "I'll take a shower quickly… Enjoy your coffee", with a final check towards her, he pecks her lips and goes upstairs to get ready.

Regina lingers in the room, watching her kids finish their breakfast, sipping from her - so much needed - coffee. They are having a conversation about which super-power they would choose to have and how awesome it would be. She laughs and softly pats their back telling them to get their stuff ready to go.

As the two of them get off of the table and make their way upstairs to grab their backpack and put their shoes on, never stopping their heated discussion, she can't help but wonder how she managed to get so lucky.

Fifteen minutes later they are all ready to leave. Generally, Regina takes Roland to daycare on her way to work and Henry goes with Robin to the school, so they don't lose too much time getting to work themselves. Before they exchange good byes and part ways, Regina and Robin agree on having a quick lunch together latter today, since Regina will already be at the school in order to attend to an appointment with Henry's teacher, just the school regular procedure to make sure the parents are aware of their children development. Although Robin works there, Regina is the one who usually handles those matters.

And it is Friday. Oh, how much they love this particular day of the week. They drop the kids at one of their parents and have the rest of the day to themselves. They can enjoy each other`s company, not worry about anything concerning their kids, or even discus important matters involving the kids. They can talk about whatever they want to, or they can just not talk at all. They can focus on themselves for once, make plans, enjoy a bath together, watch movies that they would be interest in instead of cartoons. They can go out with friends, or just stay home with each other. It's their special day, or better, night. It's when they can be loud if they want, or be quiet and cuddle together.


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: RATED M**

**FOR SMUT CONTENT**

Chapter Two

Friday morning goes by in a flash. Regina spends the first two hours in the conference room with three other lawyers, building a defense for a case that goes on trial next week. After that, she briefs Mr. Gold about a strategy she is going to use latter today in court. Manages to have two conference calls with clients and when her phone buzzes, remembering her of the appointment at Henry's school, she barely has time to go through her emails and check if she has something urgent to answer before it's time to actually leave her office and head to the parking lot, where her car is.

Robin, on the other hand, has a lull morning. He goes through his to do list for the day and next heads to a meeting for prospects of sponsorship. Afterward, he sits with his assistant, a volunteer student from the senior year, to tie some loose ends of the new strategies for the team. When he checks the time, is still half past eleven, so he goes to the teacher's room and finds one of his new work colleagues, a history teacher from the junior year, who also happens to be one of his friends from Portland. - It was actually Robin who put the good word for her when he heard they needed a new teacher for that subject. - She seems to be concentrated reading a book, but when she looks up to him, Robin sees that in fact she is very bored, so he decides that it won't really be a great harm if he joins her to kill the extra time.

The meeting with Henry's teacher was smooth, as she expected. Henry is a terrific and intelligent boy, never giving his teachers a hard time and always participating in class. He certainly has to work on some misspelling, but nothing too complex, he is still learning after all and Regina is very proud of him. His last assignment brought tears to her eyes and she is sure her husband will be delighted. It is a very small text, six lines tops, about the super hero in his life. He wrote about his father and how he is the hero of soccer, finishing it with a simple _I love my papa_. Underneath the little text, he drew the scene of two people running after a ball. It is a typical 7 years old drawing, but it's her 7 years the author of such piece of art and it would most certainly be put on display on theirs fridge's door latter.

The walk up to where she is supposed to meet with Robin is short, but it's long enough to bring her a sense of nostalgia and make her get lost in her thoughts. While she is wandering through these halls, it crosses her mind some stories that happened when she was just a student; Friends that she holds dear, silly disagreements, the gossips of teenagers, study group with more play than study, parties, all the romance… _Oh, those were great years_. Regina is brought back to reality by a loud laugh down the hall and spots her husband chatting with some woman – _Who is that?_ _Perhaps the new teacher. - _She thinks.

They are talking about something funny that happened to them a long time ago. At least that is what she can get when she approaches them. Robin has his back to the hall from where Regina is coming, but as soon as he sees his wife from the corner of his eyes, he turns to her, his smile getting even wider and he says in a cheerful voice "Hey there Beautiful, I was just waiting for you".

"I just got out of the meeting, dear." Regina says giving Robin a smile, and then she turns to the woman and extends her hands "Hi! I believe we haven't met yet; I'm Regina, Robin's wife".

"Hi, I'm Marian. Nice to finally meet you. Robin talks a lot about you" Marian answers the handshake and smiles politely.

"Marian is the new history teacher I told you about, the one that is my friend from Portland, remember?" Robin interrupts the greetings.

"Oh, right. I remember. Funny how we never got a chance to meet when I visited Robin back in Portland". Regina is not jealous – At least that is what she tells herself - There is nothing to be jealous about. She knows Robin loves her and always had, but she can't help her sass.

"Well… I bet he didn't had much time for friends when you were in town" Marian winks, then adds "I must go, my next class is about to start. It was really nice meeting you. Bye Robin, see you around".

"You too, dear. A real pleasure".

Marian goes her way leaving them behind her. Regina uses this moment to give the other woman a proper look and tries to make her mind about her. She seems pleasant and polite, but she can't help but sense like something is off… Not from Robin's side though, it is just this weird feeling that she has inside her right now, it never happened before and she doesn't know how to describe it. Despite of what it might be, Regina strives to dismiss it.

Robin feels a little awkward with the whole situation, but waits in silence, pondering his next words. He knows his wife and can almost see the wheels working inside her mind. As soon as Marian can no longer be seen from where they are standing, he decides he already gave her time enough and asks:

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Regina tries to sound like she doesn't know what Robin is talking about, but as soon as she meets his eyes, she knows she has failed. She doesn't let her regal mask go down, though.

"I don't know… That attitude." By what he just saw, Robins knows exactly what is going on and he has his suspicious confirmed when Regina looks straight to him without giving any vocal answer, only raising her eyebrows, inquiring some sort of explanation about something she hasn't even asked yet. She won't voice whatever is in her mind anyway and he should know better. But the truth is she actually doesn't need to answer him. She has a very expressive look and Robin was always really good at reading her. And still is, so he just smirks and says:

"You are jealous." It is not a question. More like a statement. He knows, and finds it endearing that after all these years she still feels jealousy towards him. Regina, on the other hand, doesn't like the comment, not at all. She knows she is being unreasonable, but he should smooth her worries, even the silly ones, not put them out and make _fun_ of her.

"I'm not jealous." She frowns and adds, "I'm just… Looking after what is mine."

"Yours?"

"Yes." She only says, looking at him possessively.

Robin half chuckles, half huffs at that and decides to joke with her.

"What?" Regina spats

"I'm not a thing, you know?" Robin says looking hurt and offended, but just for the act. He doesn't mind, not at all. He is hers, entirely hers. Since the first day he saw her. And he quite likes the feeling. But Regina doesn't take it slightly, she grimaces.

"That is not what I'm saying. I would never imply such a thing or anything like that".

"Regina – "

"Don't" She cuts him.

_Really? Is he really making a thing out of this? _Regina is furious now. She looks furious. Her eyes look like they have fire inside. Robin's eyes widens then.

"Are you going to let me talk, you stubborn woman?" He mutters and she gets even angrier.

"How dare you – "The rest of her sentence is cut by his lips on her, kissing her senseless. At first, she tries to fight him, but soon her hands tangles on his shirt and she brings him closer to her possessively. Robin sees his victory then, he knew it was just her defensive mode. So he mentally smiles and seeks entrance to her mouth and she lets him deepen the kiss. When he feels her tongue against his, robin tries – he needs to – to get even closer to her; Regina walks backwards until she hits the wall, moaning in the process. They slow down the kiss after a while, remembering where they are. When he lets her mouth go, he rests his forehead on hers and tries to steady his breathing.

"I love you. Only you. And I know you weren't implying anything. I was joking, ok?"

"Ok" She sighs and pecks his lips.

"You know… You look very sexy when you get all jealous and possessive." He whispers, making Regina bite her bottom lip seductively.

He claims her mouth again in an unhurried kiss. This time, when they part, Regina has a smile back on her face, but she looks down avoiding his eyes.

"What is it?" Robin asks in concerned.

"She sure is beautiful." Robin can't help but chuckle at that, stating "Not more beautiful than you are, milady. Besides, I'm very happy exactly where I am, with whom I am. No need to look elsewhere. Never had." This is all she needs, reassurance. Silly or not, it's what she wants from him.

"Good." Regina replies him. Then she adds, while getting off of the wall "We should go before someone sees us like this."

"Oh… if just these walls could speak… I don't even know how many times we made out through these halls when we were younger…" Robin remains on his spot with a shameless smile.

"Well… we are not teenagers anymore; we should stop acting like it. Let's grab lunch, Shall we?"

"Indeed, my Queen." Robin takes her hand in his, gives small kisses on her knuckles and laces their fingers as they make their way towards the cafeteria. A smile not quite living neither of theirs lips and all the previous worries gone.

§ **BEGINNING: RATED M**

Latter in the afternoon, Regina gets stuck in court longer than she expected. The opponent lawyer has asked for a short recess, delaying all her plans for the rest of the day, so she has to ask Robin to pick the kids and drop them off at his parents. When she manages to get back to her office it's already a quarter past five and _thanks God_ she has such a helpful husband, otherwise she doesn't know how she would make it.

When she finally sets her feet at home, she is surrender by a delightful aroma that seems to be invading the whole house; she hasn't realized how hungry she is until just now. Robin is in the kitchen humming some song while he busies himself cooking; she stops at the entrance and appreciates the scene for a few moments before joining him.

"I don't know what you are cooking, but it smells amazing" she says with gentle groan.

"Look who decided to leave the defenders of the law and join us, mere mortals" Robin chuckles while wiping his hands on a cloth.

Regina laughers as she approaches him, puts her arms around his neck when she is close enough and sighs_ I'm sorry_, before connecting her mouth to his. Robin gladly returns the kiss, leaning on the counter and bringing her closer to him. When they part, Robin pours some wine in a glass for her and announces that dinner is ready.

Regina finds her husband cooking skills a real turn on, especially because he is really good at it. Tonight he made a mouth-watering chicken and vegetables, simple and delicious. They sit next to each other on the kitchen table savoring their dinner and enjoying a nice wine; they talk about their day and what's the plan for tomorrow with the kids. Once they finish, Robin tells Regina he will take care of the dishes while she goes upstairs and takes a shower.

Regina does as she is told and directs herself for a – so much needed – shower. She lets the water wash all her day off of her body for a few minutes before rising herself properly, relaxing under the hot steam that settles in the room. When she finishes, she removes the excess of water from her hair and puts on her robe. Afterwards, she stops in front of the mirror and watches herself while applying moisture cream on her face and hands.

Robin chooses this moment to get into their bedroom and, without her noticing, observes her for a few seconds, wondering how he got this woman to even look at him, much less love him. He, then, walks over to her and ties his arms around her waist. She chuckles as he moves closer, leaning towards her and leaving a trail of kisses down her neck. A moan escapes her throat as his stubble touches her skin; and she tips her head back, giving him more access.

His hands star wondering to her front until he finds the lace of the robe, and untie it. Once it's open, he moves his hands inside to make contact with her skin. She turns around in his arms and ties her own arms around his neck, bringing him closer and kissing him. Robin pushes the robe down and presses her against the stool, while her hands slip under his shirt in order to feel his bare skin while she kisses him with all she has.

For a few moments they just kiss, breathtaking kisses, but then he leaves her mouth and takes a step back, just enough to look at her, their eyes locking, both full of desire.

"You are stunning" He breathes as his eyes start roaming her naked body.

"I think you are far too dressed right now…"She answers him and brings him back to her, removing his shirt in the process. As soon as the shirt leaves him, she crashes her mouth back to him and her hands skim down, her fingers toying with the button of his pants. She frees his buttons and stripes him, letting it pool at his feet.

Robin's hands rake up, cupping her breasts, his thumbs pinching her nipples. Heat flashes through Regina and she can't help but moan, _God, she loves those hands._ Robin leaves her mouth and starts going down, nipping her throat, going further down… Until he reaches her nipples and takes one of them in his mouth, never quitting his ministration with the other and switching breasts after sucking it. Regina takes a deep breath and holds his head in place, liking the attention.

After a few minutes, Robin lets go of her nipples and looks back into her eyes, licking his lips. His eyes are dark with desire and Regina's belly clenches in anticipation. He goes down again, kissing her all the way, until he is on his knees in front of her. She swallows hard. He starts kissing her and, _oh! How much she wants this_. He kisses her everywhere but where she actually needs him to.

"Robin…" She moans, making Robin snort against her.

"Patience" He urges dropping more kisses on her skin. "I wanted to do this all day. I'm not going to rush now"

"Uhm… This is torture, you know. Just wait for the payback" she tries to frown, but his tongue – _Oh! His tongue!_ – is driving her crazy. He continues to kiss her, wet swirls of his tongue everywhere, changing his path back and forth, getting closer and closer, but never touching her clit.

"I plan on eat you until you come. Then you can think of a proper torture for me" He mutters

She is wet and needy, her hands grasping his hair, trying to push him to where she wants and biting her lips to keep her from begging.

God, she is already so close, so close. Regina tilts her head back, squirming. And then his tongue slides just where she needs it, licking and flicking her clit. She inhales sharply as her hips jerk towards him.

"Gods, I love the way you taste" He murmurs, his lips brushing her clit as he speaks. One of his hands settles at the joint of her thigh, spreading her gently and putting her leg over his shoulder, giving him more access. While his other hand slides around her rear, grasping it and pushing her hips forward a little. Regina fights not to make any noise, but the efforts to be quiet seem useless and unnecessary.

"Don't hold back" He urges, biting the inside of her tight, his voice low and husky. "There is no child tonight. Let me hear you…" His tongue returns to where it was immediately and she lets the next moan break through, making Robin's grip tightens on her tight. He likes the sounds she makes; he likes to hear what he can do to her.

He fucks her with his tongue, making her groan his name as she starts rocking her hips against his mouth. She is even closer now.

He focuses back on her clit, licking it up and down. Then he slips two fingers into her, matching a rhythm with his mouth.

"Yes… Oh, yes!" she mutters and then adds "Suck" she mumbles "please".

Robin promptly complies, pulling the sensitive nub into his mouth. She is going to come, she is going to _Oh! Oh…_ Her hips buck against him, making Robin put one of his hands across her belly to hold her in place. Regina let out several moans as her orgasm hit her.

Her legs feel like jelly and Robin has to actually hold her so she won't fall. He pulls his mouth away from her with one lasting lick and goes up again, still holding her. He kisses her lips, drawing another moan from her when she tastes herself on his tongue. He moves towards her ear then and breathes "You have no idea how badly I want you right now". Regina nods, brings his earlobe inside her mouth and adds "Then take me".

Robin doesn't lose any time. He lifts her up and takes her to bed. Regina wraps her legs around his waist as they keep sharing wet, heated and passionate kisses on the way. Her back meets the mattress and Robin's body presses on hers harder, cupping her breast with his palm. Regina's hands wander from his back to his chest. _God, how much she loves his well-marked and defined torso_. She leaves his mouth and focuses on kissing and nipping his neck and chest as much as she can. His length is pressed on her left tight and he is hard, deliciously hard. Her hands go down until she reaches his cock, wrapping her fingers around him. Robin sucks in a deep breath at the contact and drops his head on the crock of her neck. He is going crazy, she knows. _Won't last long if she keeps doing that_.

Regina uses the opportunity to breathe into his ears as her thumbs strokes over his tip "Robin, I need you. I need you inside me".

Robin grunts at that and reaches between them stopping her ministrations, lines up and pushes forward, sinking into her in one trust. Regina's lips part, her back arches, her fingers fist the blankets and she moans aloud. Robin's hands run down her tight until they reach her waist and then he starts to move, taking her mouth in his again.

He trusts deep into her and Regina shuts her eyes and bites her bottom lip in pleasure, feeling the heat spreading down her body. Robin changes his paces then, pounding against her clit as he moves his hips, making Regina cry out loud.

"I won't last long, come for me, love" He murmurs, scraping his teeth against her skin.

She is close again, _Mmm… So close_ "Don't stop" She pleads. Her muscles are clenching around him, he can feel it already. And he doesn't stop, changing his position and hitting that spot inside her and she is lost. Moaning as her orgasm finally hits her, her head tilting back, her nails scratching his back.

He moves faster then, harder, trusting once, twice and groaning her name as he finds his own release, a harsh grunt against her ears when he comes undone inside her.

For a few minutes they just lie there, catching their breath, both spent. Then he turns and takes her mouth in a lazy kiss. When they part he murmurs "That was…" He tries, but fails in finding the right word.

"Mind blowing" she finishes for him, getting even closer.

"I'll never get enough of you" he chuckles.

They pull the covers over them, legs tangling as they cuddle together, both of them drawing lazy patterns on the other. They linger like that for a while, trading soft kisses and hands wandering over naked skin.

"I love you" He says against her hair, she smiles and answers "I love you too, very much". Their breaths are steady now and they drift into sleep almost immediately nestled in each other.

§ **END: RATED M**

It's at the wee hours when Regina feels a cold air flowing through her; she turns trying to reach the warmth of Robin's body to find his place empty in the bed. She turns again and sees that is just 4:15 in the morning, too early for him to be up already in the weekend. With a frown she asks quietly:

"Robin?"

"Hey, love! Sorry! Did I wake you?" He rushes out of the bathroom all dressed, confusing Regina even more.

"What are you doing up? Is everything alright?" The kids flash through her mind and concern begins to form.

"Yes… Don't worry! Will had too many and the bartender confiscated his keys. Just go back to sleep, ok?" Robin is quick to soothe her as he approaches the bed and gives her a peck on the forehead.

"Why doesn't he ask Anastasia to rescue him then? Why you have to be the one to leave your bed - and wife - and go to him?" Regina grumbles with a pout, clearly not happy.

"Because she is the very reason why he ended up in a bar alone on a Friday night, getting wasted. They had a fight. Will can't call her now, can he?" He answers her with a sleepy chuckle, than adds "I'll be back before you know it. And I promise I won't leave you in bed ever again, especially like this…" roaming her naked body and putting his hands on her hips.

Regina huffs and pushes his arms, throwing her head back in her pillow and turning, too mad to answer his flirtations.

"Sleep tight" Robin says, leaning over and pressing a kiss on her cheek, whispering "I love you" into her ears, before grabbing the car keys and heading out of the door.

§

It is still dark outside. The cold breeze reminding Robin that is far too early to be out of bed already. He turns up the volume of the radio trying to shake the sleep off of him. He is almost at the bar where he is supposed to pick up Will. He doesn't quite understand why Will still tries to make this relationship work; they clearly want different things right now, and always end up like this. He in a bar, too drunk to drive and one of his friends coming to his rescue, this time being Robin's turn.

The road is dimly lit and it seems that no one is on the streets anymore – or yet, depending on whom we are talking about. Everything is very quiet, as a dawn on a Saturday should be.

That is when a young man, apparently a very drunk one, barely able to keep himself upright decides to cross the street without paying any attention. He comes stumbling towards the car, making Robing hit his breaks sharply, trying to avert and avoid running over the boy, and stopping across the track _– Bloody Hell._

Unfortunately, the driver who is coming behind Robin is not paying the same attention to the road, neither to the events that are unfolding in front of him. He hasn't seen, or processed yet; Robin's sudden motion and doesn't have time to slow down his own car.

It all happened very fast. Bright lights blinded Robin. A loud sound of a horn rapidly approaching his ears and a deafening noise of breaks somewhere. Before he can actually understand what is happening, he feels a strong tug and all the air leave his lungs. The windows start breaking everywhere around him. The car is moving again, and turning, and once more, and then it stops.

Desperation takes over him when he finally comprehends what is going on.

All sorts of emotions take place in his mind and heart. Regina. Henry. Roland. That is all he can think about in this moment. His family. His life.

His whole life passes like a movie in his mind. He can manage to hear people screaming and someone trying to talk to him, but it's all very distant and he feels something is wet on his head, something is dripping from it, it's red and it is staining his pants – _Regina will be mad_ – It's blood. And just before he can register anything else, everything goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Guys! I'm so so so so sorry it took me so long to post this chapter! I had some issues that I wasn't expecting to come my way and couldn't find the time to write. I hope you understand! And thanks so much for the reviews and for reading it! :)**

ChapterThree

_It all happened very fast. Bright lights blinded Robin. A loud sound of a horn rapidly approaching his ears and a deafening noise of breaks somewhere. Before he can actually understand what is happening, he feels a strong tug and all the air leave his lungs. The windows start breaking everywhere around him. The car is moving again, and turning, and once more, and then it stops._

_Desperation takes over him when he finally comprehends what is going on._

_All sorts of emotions take place in his mind and heart. Regina. Henry. Roland. That is all he can think about in this moment. His life._

_His whole life passes like a movie in his mind. He can manage to hear people screaming and someone trying to talk to him, but it's all very distant and he feels something is wet on his head, something is dripping from it, it's red and it is staining his pants _– _Regina will be mad__– It's blood. And just before he can register anything else, everything goes black._

§

After Robin left, Regina was fast asleep again and it did take her a while to become aware that the loud noise intruding her dreams was actually coming from the phone roaring next to her. She cracks her eyes open, eyelids still heavy with sleep, and barely lifts her head from the pillow before answering it, clearly annoyed.

"Good Morning. Here is from the General Hospital. May I speak to Mrs. Locksley?"

She is up in a heartbeat. Out of instinct, she reaches the other side of the bed to touch Robin and confirm that he is back home. When her hand touches the sheets, panic begins to take over her. With a lump in her throat she manages to reply.

"This is she."

Tension grows fast inside her, making her fully awake within seconds. Suddenly, the room feels too small and it is hard to breathe, her mind is in full speed with all sorts of scenarios going through it.

"Madam, your husband was involved in an accident and was brought to the E.R.. Unfortunately, he suffered a big trauma and needs to go into surgery as soon as possible."

_Oh, God. Oh, God! Robin! No!_

"I… I'm on my way" Regina hangs up the phone, but she can't move. She stays frozen for a few seconds, looking to nowhere. Her heart is in her throat, her hands are shaking and she still finds some difficulties to breathe.

When she finally is able to fall out of her trance and realizes that she hasn't done anything at all since she ended the call, she starts moving. Regina runs into the closet and finds a clean underwear and a bra, picks some random blouse from the drawer and rushes out of the room, grabbing the first jeans that she sees on her way out.

By the time she arrives at the hospital, Robin is already in surgery and all she can do is wait for some intern to come and give her some news about his condition, but no one seems to know anything which leaves her with the nerves on the edge.

Sitting on a chair near the E.R. entry, she tries to calm her breathing and have positive thoughts. The urge to cry and let the desperation take over is tremendous, but being the strong woman she is, she tries to hold on and stay calm at all costs.

She hasn't called any of their parents yet. And she can't get herself to make those calls. She won't be able to hold herself if she does that. Not until she has any news about his condition. Not until she is able to see her husband.

_God… Please Robin! Don't die on me… I need you. The kids need you. You are my everything. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. No! Na, no, no… I can't think that. I can't. You have to get out of this. Please, please, please._

She puts her hands on her face and repeats those last thoughts like a mantra. Over and over again.

There is exactly where the doctor finds her four hours later.

"Mrs. Locksley?"

Regina lift her head as soon as she hears her name and when she sees the doctor figure, her heart starts pounding in her chest even harder that it was only seconds ago. She doesn't say anything, her voice stuck in her throat.

The doctor, then, clears his throat and starts speaking: "Mrs. Locksley, your husband suffered a big trauma because of the accident and had to have brain surgery. We were able to contain the cerebral hemorrhage, but he hasn't gain consciousness yet"

Regina lets out a breath she hasn't realizeshe is holding and tries to stay calm for the millionth time.

"When is he going to wake up?" She knows that is not how things happen. He won't be able to tell her precisely when or how he is going to wake up, but she needs some kind of comfort, something to hold on to.

"The damage was quite big, but I was able to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately, I can't answer your question. It could be in a few hours, weeks, or even… I'm sorry. The body needs time to heal. We can't know just yet."

Her head is aching and her heart starts speeding again. There are tears in her eyes, but she won't let them fall. So she takes a deep breath and nods slightly.

"Can I… Can I see him?"

"Of course. Please, follow me."

She hates hospitals. Everything about it. To begin with, it's a cold place. Not only because of the temperature itself, but also because of the people around you. The doctors seem to be in an automatic mode all the time. Whether by the lack of sleep or because they are already really accustomed to the environment and the conditions of their patients, she doesn't know, but they actually appear detached and devoid of any feeling. The place in general is quite impersonal and surrounded by sick people, and the way people look at you… It is a little creepy. Then you have the characteristic smell that it has. The mild touch of alcohol and formaldehyde in the air, which makes the stomach turn, an odor that sticks in the head.

So, yeah. She definitely hates hospitals. Especially now that the love of her life is stuck in one of those beds.

When Regina enters the room, she stops and her eyes go straight to where Robin is lying on the bed. Seeing him in this state is not easy. Undoubtedly, one of the hardest moments of her starts feeling dizzy immediately and has to hold herself as best as she can so she won't burst into tears right there at the door.

The doctor excuses himself as she makes her way to the bed where he is lying. Robin looks completely weak, he is intubated, with all those wires tied to him and a bandaged head.

It seems impossible not to cry now, and so she lets some tears run down her cheeks as she raises her hand hesitantly and caresses his face.

"Robin..." She chokes

"Please, don't leave me. Please, wakeup. Please..."

The room in quiet for a while and she doesn't take her eyes from him, as if she is expecting for him to suddenly wake up. But that won't happen right now. She sits in a chair near the bed, still watching him and crying as some happy memories of them go through her mind. She knows she can't stay too long; she still has to make those calls. Let their family know what is happening, talk to their kids. _Oh, the kids! How am I gonna explain this to two children?_

A new wave of hopelessness takes over her, but she has to face it. And rather sooner than later. So she takes a deep breath, wipes her face and stands. She gives him a kiss near his ears and begs one more time for him to wake up before leaving the room to make those calls.

§

Is has already been three days and there is no change in Robin's condition. He remains in his bed, in deep sleep, with all the wires still attached to him. Regina can't deny the conflicting angst, sadness and despair that insist on making presence inside her the entire time.

The doctors have been talking about taking final measures, start thinking about unplugging him, accepting that maybe he won't come back and that she should move on. But she won't, it is way too soon for that. She will keep fighting, and will never quit because Robin taught her better than this, he taught her to have hope and she will never give up on him. She can't.

She hasn't left the hospital yet. Their parents have been alternating between visits and taking care of the kids. They brought change o clothing for her and tried to convince her that she needed to go home and rest, that she should go see Roland and Henry. She knows she should. They must be making questions, asking for their parents. But she knows they are safe and being well taken care of. She knows she is not being the mother of the year, but she can't go home.

She leaves the room as few times as possible, only to eat something or call the kids. But other than in those moments, she stays by Robin's side. Caressing his hand, watching him, praying for him to come back.

Sometimes she gets lost just by looking at him. Remembering all the good moments they were able to share until now. From the moment they lie eyes on each other for the first time, passing through the first _I love you _said, until now. And then she always starts crying, because this can't be it. They haven't lived everything yet. They still have so many dreams together. There are still so many moments to be experienced and shared. She needs him to be with her, with their family.

His family has been tireless. Going back and forth between the hospital and the kids. She is grateful, not only for his family, but for hers too. They try to help with everything they can and, even if they are feeling a great pain as well, they try to comfort her and give her hope when she seems to be losing it.

So, that is why she finds herself right now in the cafeteria, trying to push some food into her, even though she can stomach anything these days, listening to her mother in law rambling about something, but not really paying attention. All she can think about is how useless and tired she feels right now.

She pushes the plate forward and put her head in her hands in an attempt to stop all those feeling. The food doesn't have any taste and she can't eat it anymore, she is feeling dizzy again.

"Darling, you need to eat" Her mother in law says with worry in her voice.

"I can't…"

"Look, if you don't want to do it for your own good, then do it for your kids. They need their mother now more than ever, and they need you to be healthy. And… Do it for your husband as well… Robin would…" She tries to reason with Regina, but is cut off.

"My husband would what? My husband and my kids are all I can think about! I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. I spend the whole day between holding it together for my kids, fighting whichever doctor that comes my way telling me nonsenses about unplugging my husband and moving on, like it was just like that and having hope that I won't lose the love of my life. I don't want to eat. I can't! Don't tell me I'm not thinking of them!" She raises her tone, letting the desperation and the fear take over her. She is crying now, and she doesn't care anymore.

"Regina… I know… It's hard. I know it is, believe me." And there is so much sadness in her voice that Regina immediately stops crying and looks at her.

_Of course she knows. It's her son. Her only son. And yet here she is, comforting me. How selfish of me… If it was one of my kids, I wouldn't be able to remain so calm, much less to comfort someone else…_

"I'm sorry… God… I'm so sorry. How are you holding up? How can you be so calm?" She breathes and squeezes her hand that is on the table.

"I'm… Honestly, I don't know. I'm feeling like any mother would feel. Devastated. But we need to have hope. Always."

"I can see that Robin took after you with this hope thing…" Regina said with a little chuckle while wiping her eyes and gets an answer in a form of a small smile.

They settle in silence for a few minutes before that. Each one lost in their own deep thoughts. After a while, Regina lets out in a deep sigh "What if he doesn't…" But she isn't able to finish her sentence, her eyes already filling with tears.

"He will… He has to. He still has his whole life ahead of him. And I'm sure he knows that, he is fighting. He is a fighter." Her mother in law answers in a convinced tone.

"That he is."

Regina rests her back in the chair and goes back to her thoughts and tells herself that Robin will be awake soon, he just needs more time.

They decide they had enough of the cafeteria atmosphere already and they need to take a walk, breathe some fresh air for a change, especially Regina.

They go to the hospital's open area for the walk, mostly in silence. It's the first time Regina allowed herself to spend so much time away from Robin's room since she got here. She feels calmer now, but the fear and the endless anguish inside her are infinite and never seem to go away.

She closes her eyes and lets the sun touches her face, just breathing in and out. There is when an intern comes out pushing the doors in a rush, disturbing the quietness of the place and shouting her name.

"Mrs. Locksley, Mrs. Locksley!"

Regina stops dead in her tracks. She doesn't turns to the sound of the intern's voice in fear that he is bringing her bad news. When he finally reaches her, he bends, resting his hands on his knees, clearly he has been running up and down looking for her. That terrifies her even more.

"Madam, I've been looking for everywhere" He says out of breath.

Regina finds the strength to turn then, but she is shaking and her eyes are wide open. "Yes…" She tries, but her voce cracks.

"Madam, is your husband. He… He is awake."

"What?"

A broken gasp leaves her mouth and she can't speak anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

"_Madam, is your husband. He… He is awake."_

"_What?" _

_A broken gasp leaves her mouth and she can't speak anything else._

§

They hurry along the corridor with steady steps, diverting from the people on their way. He is finally awake.

For a moment, a little concern crosses Regina's mind. _What if he thinks that I have left? What if he is imagining crazy stuff like I have already given up on him?_ She can't let him have any of these false assumptions.

Regina pretty much hasn't left his room all these days, and in the moment that she decides to breathe some fresh air, he wakes up. She is mentally beating herself up because of her _negligence_ – as she thinks in her mind – Even though being in that room all the time, pacing and crying, was making her crazy.

So, she needs to get to his room as soon as possible. She needs to show him that she's here, has been all this time, day and night. She has to tell him that she did not give up on him, he has to know that. She needs to let him know that she would never leave him, no matter what.

But the truth is that, deep down, she's sure he knows it and this urgency is more to calm her own nerves than to ensure him. And she can't help but think about that beautiful smile of his and how much she misses it. Of those gorgeous blue eyes that she loves so much and she has spent the last few horrible days praying she would be able to see again.

Her heart begins to pulse with joy because of the expectation of the good things that are to come when she enters that room. They are going to be able to put these horrifying days behind them and keep living their happy lives, with their kids, all together. She has a smile on her face and the feeling that she is coming back to life.

By this time, they were able to reach the elevator and she hits the up button. Regina simply inhales deeply through her nose. _Almost there! _She thinks.

But the elevator is not coming. She hits the button again and waits two seconds. Then she tries one more time, but the doors don't open. The tapping of her foot begin almost immediately as she still waits for the elevator to open its doors, but the wait is killing her.

After a few moments, she comes to a conclusion: She can't wait any longer. So, she takes the stairs, leaving both her mother in law and the intern standing there. It isn't unquestionably faster, but she just couldn't stay there any longer, she needs to be doing something, she needs to keep moving.

She is hurrying in a light jog down the hallway in the third floor now, but then she stops for a second and walks slowly. She is breathless and a little sweaty by the time she manages to reach the corner next to Robin's room and she needs a moment regain her composure, not that he will care – But she will.

After straitening herself, she starts walking again, this time trying to be more calm, but still with purpose, until she reaches the door that is separating them.

She doesn't think. She grabs the knob and pushes the door open. The view in front of her is wonderful. There he is, sitting on the bed and with his eyes open.

He turns his head toward her the moment she walks in and their eyes meet for the first time after all these days. Regina still has the same smile on her face and she takes a deep breath as she walks to his side at the bed. How happy she is to see him awake again. Her doesn't wait for him to say anything, doesn't say anything herself as well; she only puts her hand on his jaw and crushes her lips onto his in a searing kiss, too desperate and longing.

It must come as a surprise for Robin, because he tries to recede and he doesn't answer the kiss. Regina doesn't care though. She is too wrapped up in all of the emotions inside her to even realize it.

When she finally lets his mouth go, Robin is still staring at her with wide eyes. He arches his eyebrows and meets her gaze in a way that makes her heart start beating slightly faster. His silence and lack of response finally getting noticed by her, which makes her back off a little bit, creating a space between the bed and her.

He eyes her and Regina tenses, but she decides to let him take the first step this time. His eyes rake her body and then go back to her face, his frown getting deeper with every passing second, making her suddenly regret coming in in such a rush. He seems odd, but maybe it's just a side effect from all the drugs they put into his system during these days and he just need some time to come back from his high or for his brain to process everything.

After a few minutes, that felt more like a life time, Robin decides to blurt his first words: "I'm sorry. Who are you?"

"What?" Regina's eyes are wide open with surprise

"Who are you?" He repeats and she is suddenly stunned and with her mouth dropped open. She fails to find her voice, but inside her mind she is screaming _what? What? What_? Over and over again.

Her mother in law and that intern choose this very moment to enter the room and they both stop dead at the door when they see the scene in front of them. No one dare to say a word while Regina and Robin keep staring at each other. Regina opens her mouth, and then closes it again. What can she possibly say after that?

Finally, Robin's mother walks to where Regina is standing and squeezes her hand, if it's for support or because she is also afraid of what is happening, Regina doesn't know, but she welcomes it. Robin flicks his eyes in the direction of this new person standing in front of him and after a couple of seconds, he says in a barely audible sound "Mom?"

And for the first time since he has woken up, Regina can see some sort of emotion on his face besides confusion. His mother smiles sweetly and Regina can feel the loss of warmth when she lets her hand go so she can hug her son.

Regina stands there for a moment, helpless, hopeless, staring blankly at the scene that is taking place, her eyes filling with tears, her stomach churning and mind racing with everything that is happening_. He doesn't know who I am. He doesn't remember me. He doesn't remember anything about us. How? Why? Haven't I suffered enough already? Is this truly happening?_

"Honey, don't you remember Regina, your wife?" She hears his mother voice next to her.

"My wife?" He answers in surprise "I have a wife? I think you are mistaken. I don't have a wife; I'm too young to be married already. I'm sorry... Mom?" He says then looking at her but as if asking for confirmation from his mother. It hurts; it's like a stab in her heart. But she can see the confusion back in his face and something must be wrong. Something went wrong in that surgery. She might have lost him for ever after all. _Oh God…_

She thinks she won't be able to hold any longer, so she gives him a slight nod and says "I… I'll give you two some space. I'll be outside if you need me." And with that she storms out of the room. She doesn't know where she is going but she needs to get out of there.

She stops down the hall, her heart is racing and she doesn't know what to do. So she puts her hands on her face and let the tears fall. She starts sobbing right there, in the middle of the corridor. When she thinks that she is finally getting through the hardest part, she realizes the worst is yet to come. She is lost. And she doesn't know how she can possibly deal with this situation.

She feels a light touch on her shoulder and when she looks up, she is met with Robin's doctor.

"Madam, I was trying to reach you on your phone so we could talk before you got into his room. But it seems like my intern found you first and - "

"I don't have my phone with me. I left it at the room." She cuts him while wiping her face.

"I see. Look, your husband suffered a big trauma and he is experiencing an episode of amnesia, which is – unfortunately – common in these cases. What we don't know yet is if these episodes are only temporary or if it's going to be a permanent damage, but it's an important moment and he will need you by his side. He needs you to help him remember, you are a crucial part right now. I know it's hard, but you spent the last days fighting all of us, fighting for him and now he is back. Don't give up now."

"I… I know. I won't. It's just… It hurts. He doesn't remember me."

"Yes… He thinks we are in England. He doesn't remember coming to live in the States and I believe he doesn't remember anything that happened since he moved. It won't be easy, but he will need your help to remember."

"Oh, God… What if he doesn't?"

"Let's take one step at a time, ok? It's a lot to take in and he has been out for a few days, so… Let's take baby steps"

"Ok" it's all she can say.

They walk back to Robin's room, but she doesn't get in this time. She watches through the glass window as the doctor goes in to check on his patient. She watches as he talks to his mother and as he becomes surprised and then angry. His mother gives him a pocket mirror and after he looks at his reflection, he is shocked. He doesn't remember anything from his adult life, nor from high school. It's like she has never been in his life. He doesn't remember pretty much his whole life. That must be scary for him, so she thinks it's better to give him time right now, the last thing he needs right now is a desperate wife throwing herself on him and begging him to remember. And even if she really needs her husband right now, he needs her more, even if he doesn't know. There is a lot going on, a lot for him to take in and adjust. At least he is alive. Everything else, they will solve later.

§

Regina has been restless in the days that followed. After the shock has passed for both of them, they sat together and talked. She told him about the kids among other stories about themselves. They seemed to feel sort of confortable around each other despite everything, but it was like dealing with a much younger version of Robin. And not only that. That…She could handle that. But the way he looked at her… It was strange. She kept searching for those eyes full of love, passion and adoration that used to give her so much comfort, but all she got were looks void of pretty much any emotion. That terrified her more than she was willing to admit.

Every time Regina left his room, she would feel a tug in her heart, a sadness taking over her, because she had tried again and he hadn't remembered anything. The days were passing and it was hard to keep hoping. She was trying to push those feeling away from her mind and would take whatever he was willing to give her, but it was hard. And the worst part was that he wasn't demonstrating too much of interest in wanting to remember anything. He would sit with her and go through the pictures, letters or whatever she had brought with her for a while, but after some time he would make some excuse, such as go to the restroom or being too tired, to get rid of her.

Friends have come by to visit every day. Robin wouldn't remember them either, but they would stay and talk anyway. They would tell funny stories and even laugh together, but there wasn't a real connection with anybody other than his parents. They kept coming anyway, not only for him, but for Regina as well. They were there for both of them. They could see how hard that was for her, how she would put a brave face and push all her feelings aside. She would smile and explain things to him whenever he looked confused, but whoever knew her well enough could see right through it, could see the hurt and the fear in her eyes.

Today isn't any different. Regina brought some pictures from high school to show Robin, pictures of them together and some with friends, maybe seeing them younger would help. But he hasn't shown much interest in it and after a few minutes of her trying to go through them, he said he was feeling tired and needed some rest, leaving a very frustrated and sad Regina sitting by herself in the cafeteria looking at old photos. There is where Emma Swan finds her.

"There you are!" Emma says loudly

"Here I am" Regina answers without lifting her head. Truth to be told she is not really in the mood for any company, but this is Emma and she won't leave her alone until she has what she wants.

"Hey… How are you holding up?" Emma asks as she finds herself a seat in front of Regina.

"How do you think?" Regina snaps at her but after a couple of seconds, she regrets her manners and answers properly "I'm frustrated, sad and… scared"

"You are not alone. You know that, right?" Emma reinforced, earning only a nod from Regina.

Their friendship is one of the most valuable things to Regina. They have always been strong, powerful and smart women, but with completely different qualities that, from time to time, tend to clash to each other and bring some sort of tension around them. It all started in school with them hating each other and making everyone feel uneasy around them, but at some point they got over their differences and become friends. Though it is unlikely for them to be the kind that spend hours gossiping and showing too much affection towards the other, they are truly friends and they are there when the other is in need. That's why Emma decided to push aside the fact that she hates playing the cheerful and full of hope type of friend and is here right now, trying to help Regina.

"Why don't we call it for today, go to my place and get blind drunk like old times?" Emma tries

"I don't know… I shouldn't leave him… And I'm not in the mood for drinks. It will be a disaster." Regina answers, looking at Emma for the first time.

"Regina. Listen to me. You need to give him some space. Hovering over him 24 hours a day won't do any good, to any of you. Besides, you need a break as well, you know? Something that will make you relax a little." Emma talks back to her

"Emma - "

"No. Really, no excuses. I won't take no from you today"

Regina huffs, clearly annoyed at Emma already, it's actually quite incredible how fast she is able to make Regina get irritated. But Regina also knows she won't be able to get rid of her, so she puts all her pictures together and gets up, following Emma.

And, deep down, she knows Emma is right. It won't make her any good to stay here, going down memory lane by herself. Besides, there is nothing else she can do here right now… Robin is resting and, even if he wasn't, he doesn't want to go over the past he doesn't remember today.

Tomorrow though, it would be a new day and she'll try again, maybe he will be willing to strive more and remembers something then.

§

The night away from the hospital was a good idea after all. Emma is a great company, never pushing too much and avoiding any heart to heart talk. It was actually what Regina needed right now; just spend some time with a friend that know her more than she know herself, talk about amenities, try to relax and forget about the problems in real life. They even manage to drink like adults for once which, turns out, was great for Regina, she was able to sleep well for the first day in weeks and really get some rest.

She woke up feeling recharged and ready to face the problem at hand. Regina decided to focus only on the family memories today; she even considered taking the kids to visit their father, but quickly changed her mind, not wanting to put her sons in any unnecessary stress. So, she stopped at home to grab a few things that would help Robin remember something from his life.

Regina focused on the kids instead of their relationship. She picked some drawing, some photos and some gifts made by Henry and Roland. Everything was simple but very special for Robin before the accident. She put all the items in a box and headed to the hospital with a confident feeling.

As soon as she gets to Robin's room, she notices he isn't in his bed as usual, instead he is seating in the armchair with a distant look on his face. She hasn't decided if this is a good sign or a bad one, so she takes a deep breath and says in her most cheerful tone ever

"Hey! Good morning" Her smile is genuine and she is honestly trying to be hopeful, despite the fear that is running inside her.

"Hi. You weren't here early this morning" Robin answers in a serious tone

"Yes… I left yesterday with Emma. And this morning I went home to collect some things to show you. If you are up for, of course." Regina says putting the box she brought on the bed. She can't ignore the rush of emotions going through her body at the fact that he acknowledged her absence, but she keeps her feelings to herself and keeps up with her mask.

"Oh, Ok. Look… We need to talk"

And just like that her heart starts beating fast. _Oh, God… Does he remember something? Or is he trying to give her an excuse already? _

"Ok…" She answers, while crossing her arms in front of her as if she is protecting herself for whatever is coming.

"So… As you might know, I'll be discharged later today." Robin starts, but stops waiting for any sign of approval from Regina to keep talking, which she gives him in a form of a slight nod.

"And I think it's best if I go home with my parents" He adds then

"You mean…" Confusion clearly in Regina's face. _What does that mean?_

"I mean, I will be staying in my parents' house." He explains calmly to her

"For how long?" Regina wasn't expecting this. Not at all. But she holds her mask and doesn't show the surprise. Maybe he needs some time; maybe he needs to go slowly. _Baby steps, remember?_

"I don't know." He answers and then adds "Honestly… As long as it takes me to remember something about my life."

_Ok… Fair enough. Baby steps then. _She thinks

"Ok. I'll stop by every day and we can work on it. I'll take the kids as well, they miss you." She is hurt. Of course she is, but she understands. It must be hard for him. He doesn't remember anything; perhaps being with his parents will give him some sort comfort right now and it will help make things easier for him. Once again, she pushes all her feeling aside and focus only on him. She can handle this arrangement for a while; she has a great relationship with his parents, so it won't be a problem being around.

They stay in silence for a few seconds. But then Regina tries to change the topic, as if what he has just told her isn't a big deal and as if she's not hurt.

"So… about this box – " But as soon as she starts reaching for the box, she feels Robin's hand on her and he cuts her.

"Regina."

She stops and looks at him. He still has his hands on her arm and they stare at each other for a while until Robin realizes she hasn't move since he grabbed her. Clearing his throat, he recedes and lets her arm go before start speaking.

"What I mean by that is I need you to back off. I don't really know if these whole remembering exercises are doing me any good. Or doing you any good. It is clear that my brain has suffered permanent damage and I might never remember anything."

"Robin…"

"The thing is… The way you talk about us, it feels too much. I mean… It seems that the love that we shared was huge, like we were soul mates. Like I loved you to the moon and back, and you loved me the same way."

"Yes… It was. It was everything. And I still feel the same."

"Exactly. You know how it was and you still feel it. But I don't. And it feels like a really big responsibility for me. I can't give you what you expect me to give, sorry."

Regina can't say anything after his speech. Her vision is blurred with tears and she is trying very hard not to let them fall down. She could never imagine he would ever say this to her. She can't move, can't breathe either. She knows he doesn't remember their relationship and thus he can't love her right now, but hearing it from his lips, hearing that he thinks it's too much… It hurts more that she could ever imagine.

"But… - "

"Look, you seem like an incredible woman. And you are beautiful, that's unquestionable. I'm sure you will find someone that will make you happy again. I'm sorry, but I can't be this guy anymore."

She couldn't take it anymore. Tears start falling down on her face. She turns from Robin then, trying to hide from him how hurt she is feeling right now.

_You don't understand… Find happiness with someone else? You are my happiness, you are my everything. I found everything I ever wanted with you. I… What are you doing Regina? Don't fall apart right now, be strong. It hurts; of course it does, but be strong. You are strong._

Robin doesn't move, he can feel the storm that is going through her mind and the best thing he can do after all he just said is give her some time, and so he does. He is feeling like the worst guy in the world right now, but he is being honest. He knows he won't remember a thing from his life anymore, days have passed by and there were no change, none. Besides, this routine, these exercises and these trips to memory lane are only making him stressed, frustrated and feeling like his life – and hers – has stopped. He wants to move on from this sadness and daily drama, he wants to go back to live his life. Selfish or not, he needs this now or he will go crazy, more than he already feels.

It takes Regina a couple of minutes to recompose herself, to contain her sobs and the trembling that is going through her body, but she finally manages. When she does, she takes a deep breath and faces Robin again, but she can't find in herself to meet his eyes. Trying to ignore all her feeling for the thousandth time, she whispers:

"What… What about the kids? What should I tell them?"

"The kids… They are my kids; I have to take responsibility at least in that. I talked to my mom and she will help me with that. Don't worry; I'm not a completely jerk. I will fulfill my duties as their father."

Regina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. At least the kids won't suffer as much as she is right now. She answers with a nod and says:

"Ok. I… I think I should go now. There is nothing else left to say." And she finally looks at him. Robin nods. When she looks into his eyes, her tears start falling down once again and she won't be able to hold this time, so she let them fall freely.

"Bye Robin" She whispers and leaves the room without waiting for his answer, closing the door behind her and leaving the box long forgotten on the bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! I know you all probably hate me very much for never update this! Truth be told, I wasn't going to finish this story. I went through a lot of stuff last year, really crazy and bad stuff, and lost the desire to write all together. But I came across this story the other day while cleaning and organizing my notebook, and decided to read it. Turns out, I felt like there was so much that I planed to tell and never did... And besides, I think I owe you that, don't I? **  
**So I'm really, really sorry for all of this delay! Thanks so much all of you for keep reading this! **

**And I'd like to apologize for the mistakes as well. English is not my first language. **

**Thanks sooooo much for all of your reviews! You are awesome! And you are the main reason for me to keep writing this!**

**And enjoy the reading!**

CHAPTER FIVE

_Previously on When I lost you, I lost myself..._

_Regina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. At least the kids won't suffer as much as she is right now. She answers with a nod and says:_

"_Ok. I… I think I should go now. There is nothing else left to say." And she finally looks at him. Robin nods. When she looks into his eyes, her tears start falling down once again and she won't be able to hold this time, so she let them fall freely._

"_Bye Robin" She whispers and leaves the room without waiting for his answer, closing the door behind her and leaving the box long forgotten on the bed._

§

**ROBIN'S POV**

_It hurts. God, it hurts so much. It feels like someone is hiting me in the head again and again with a hammer. What is happening? This pain is killing me! Stop it, please! I need something to stop it. Am I dying?_

§

_Where am I? What is happening? This is so weird. My head is hurting so, so much. This is unbearable. Why can't I open my eyes? Why can't I do anything about it? About the pain. What is happening?_

_I can hear a voice, I think. It's really far, but I think I can hear it. I don't understand what it says. Am I going crazy? If I could only open my eyes, maybe I could understand it. Why can't I open them? I can't move either. Why?_

§

_There is that voice again. It is still a bit far, but I can hear the desperation in it. I want to open my eyes. See who is talking. Maybe calm this person down. I want to answer it. Why isn't my body answering me?_

_God, it still hurts. Maybe if I concentrate in the voice, the pain will subside... But it hurts like hell._

_I can't._

_Is this a dream? Well, a nightmare would be a more apropriate word. I want to Wake up! Why can't I? Why am I strapped in this? Wake up!_

_My head. My body. It hurts..._

_§_

_Há! There is more than one voice now. I think they are talking with each other... About... Me. Why? Wait! No, no, no! Come back! Don't go. _

_Ohh! Is this headache ever going to stop? I need it to stop! Maybe if it stops, I can open my eyes... understand what is going on here._

_There! That voice... Seems closer now. Good. _

_Yes, yes... I can hear you. Don't you think I want to wake up? Of course I want to! What do you think I'm trying to do here! I just... Can't. Why? Wait! Calm down now... I should be the desperate one here, not you. I'm the one that can't wake up..._

_Ok! That's enough! Time to wake up! _

_Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!_

_This is torture. I feel like I'm almost there, but I just can't reach it. I can't move. I can't open my eyes._

_§_

It has been three days. Not that he would have known. But it has been three long days.

Slowly, Robin opens his eyes. It is bright and white. Too bright, too White. Too much. The pain is still there. It's better, but it's there nonetheless. But finally, he manages to open his eyes.

He tries to comprehend where he is. His muscles are compromised, so he can't properly move just yet. Can't talk either, he is still intubated. He is struggling to talk, but he can't.

There is someone in the room. Someone wearing white. Everything seems to be shades of white. It's confusing. _Where am I? _There are tubes everywhere. And there is a beep, that goes on and on and on.

That someone is coming in his direction. He looks at the machines, umplugges some tubes from his mouth and tries to check his eyes. Robin is still very confused and doesn't react to what this person is doing. He feels a pressure on his sholder then, and looks to his right. That person is touching him there, and he is saying something: "Sir... Sir! Can you hear me?"

Robin tries to answer, but his throat is too dry and only after a few weak coughs, he manages to mutter something, indicating that yes, he can hear him. The person then explains who he is. Turns out, he is a doctor and Robin is curently lying in a hospital bed, has been there for three days already, aparently in a coma. He doesn't remember this. Can't quite grasp the fact that he has been out for three days straight. The doctor talks about the car accident then, and how a surgery was necessary in order to stop the bleeding in his brain. Robin doesn't have any recollection of a car accident, can't even remember being in a car in the last days – last memories of his at least.

At the end of the doctor's monologue, Robin has his heart jumping inside his chest. Distress goes ungoverned throughout all of his body. Deep in his mind, he knows something very wrong is going on with him. He can sense that something is missing, something is just not right. But the doctor doesn't say anything. He only presents the facts. Doesn't share his opinion, nor gives his diagnosis.

Questions are asked then. Standard questions. Things like his name, where he is from, where he is now, last memories, which year are we in. Robin proceeds to answer each one of those questions, but he feels unsure, has doubts. Not that he doen't know the answers at all, but what if it's not what he is expected to say, what if his answers are not the right ones anymore?

The doctor, on the other hand, seems to be very confident and doesn't show any emotion, face blank all the time, sighing from time to time and writing down on a chart. He looks calm, but that is not enough for Robin. He needs more than this kind of expression. And tells the doctor exactly that. But he doen't budge, states that he has just woken up and this is normal. He will feel better later, that more tests and time will be needed in order to draw a more conclusive diagnosis.

And with that, the doctor places the chart in its proper place, calls a nurse that is just outside his room, tells Robin to relax a bit, that he is going to call his mother and then proceeds to the doors, leaving behind a very confused and anxious Robin.

§

Robin is still on the bed. Still very confused. He remembers being in pain. Too much pain. But he doen't remember being in an accident. Doen't have any recollection of it at all and that makes him very disturbed.

He is lost in thoughts, trying to recall any piece of memory, when someone pushes the door open. He turns his head toward it the moment he hears the sound.

It is a woman. Their eyes meet as soon as she walks in. She is beautiful, he can't deny it. She seems to be very tired, has bags under her eyes and seems to be older – over 30 probably – but she is definitely beautiful. Long ebony hair, falling in waves over her shoulders, captivating lips, a dazzling smile, and chocolate brown orbs – oh those eyes – he just can't stop looking at them, they are fascinating and they speak from themselves, they are like the window from her soul. _He has seen something like this before, hasn't him?_ – The thought crosses his mind – _But where? _He can't remember._ Perhabs it's some side effect from a medication_, he decides.

So yes, she is, without a shadow of doubt, stunning. But he has never seen her before.

She though, she seems to know him, because as soon as her eyes locks with his she takes a deep breath and walks confidently to his side of the bed. She doesn't say anything, only puts her hands on each side of his face and crushes her lips onto his in a searing and desperate kiss.

He is stunned, to say the least. Of all the scenarios that crossed his mind, this isn't one of them. He can't deny the rush that goes trough his body when her lips touch his, though. It brings him some sort of peace and calmness that is incomprehensible – and so much needed with all this anguish that he has inside of him right now – It shocks him for a moment. _How is that... Possible?_ But then reason takes over again and that is just unwise, it's madness. So, he doesn't answer the kiss, and once he can, he tries to recede from her. _She is crazy. There. Her flaw. No one is perfect after all._

Robin is staring at her with wide eyes. He arches his eyebrows and meets her gaze. He stays in silence, completely astonished. _What an insane person_. When she notices his lack of response and his behavior, she backs off a little bit, creating a space between the bed and her. His eyes rake her body and then go back to her face, his frown getting deeper with every passing second. _What the heck should I do?_ _Who does she think she is? Is she drugged or something?_

After a few minutes, Robin decides to blurt his first words: "I'm sorry. Who are you?"

"What?" She answers with wide open eyes, clearly surprised, which leaves him somewhat puzzled with the situation and he tries, really tries, to search deep in his mind a connection between them that explains her action and reaction, but he doesn't find anything, not even a slight remembrance. So he repeats "Who are you?" and she is suddenly stunned and with her mouth dropped open. She tries to say something, he can see that, but she fails.

There are other people entering the room, but he keeps staring at her, waiting for some sort of response. After a few moments, he sees from the corners of his eyes that someone approaches. Good. _They will take the crazy beautiful lady out of here. Good. _But that doesn't happen. Whoever came close stopped right next to the lady, so he flicks his eyes in the direction of this new person standing in front of him. _She seems familiar. Looks like mom, but older, much older. _He thinks. The old lady doesn't move, only stares at him with an unsure smile, way too familiar for him. It's so familiar that, after a couple of seconds, he says in a barely audible sound "Mom?" His mother smiles sweetly and approaches him, welcoming her son in a hug. And for the first time since he has woken up, he feels he is not so lost and alone after all. He can suddenly sense a great relief inside his chest. There is still someone he can trust and rely on. Someone that he knows for sure. Even though it's weird that she looks so older than what he remembers.

The pretty, but crazy, lady stands there for a moment, with an undeniable helpless face, staring blankly at the scene that is taking place, her eyes filling with tears. He watches her and even feels bad for her. Feels like… He doesn't know how he feels actually, but there is something between them, and for a second he wants to just take her in his arms and tell her everything is going to be alright, that she is not alone, that she doesn't need to feel afraid, or sad. _What? This is madness! Where are these thoughts coming from? I have never seen this woman before in my life! Definitely side effects from the drugs!_

When his mother recedes from the embrace, she asks: "Honey, don't you remember Regina, your wife?" And that does it. It's enough to bring back all the anguish, anxiety, fear and distress into him. There is a silence in the room, but Robin's head is screaming with this new information thrown at him. _What? Wife? I must be on something, obviously. I'm hallucinating. _Sure, that explains a lot here, but still it is just too crazy. He is 100% sure he has never seen her before. And even if he has… marriage? He cannot be married yet. There is fear growing inside him, because if even his mother is saying these nonsense, then there must be something really wrong with him and, Oh boy, that is scary.

"My… wife?" He answers after some time, still in surprise "I have… a wife? I think you are mistaken. I can't have a wife; I'm too young to be married already. I'm sorry... Mom?" He says then looking at the lady but as if asking for confirmation from his mother. He can see the hurt all over the woman's face, but he doesn't understand how is that even possible. She stays there, just standing and looking at him for a moment. The tension in the room is clear and he starts to feel very uneasy. _Something is clearly very wrong here. What has happened to me?_ These questions keep repeating inside his mind, over and over again. But before he can voice any other question, she is speaking. "I… I'll give you two some space. I'll be outside if you need me."

And with that she storms out of the room.

§

Angst, distrust, fear, loneliness and confusion are part of Robin now, every day haunting him. Afflictions hover around wanting to devour everything inside him, with a heavy heart and a cold feeling running through his spine with every new information – not really new, if he would remember who he is, or rather, who he became. He feels like the world collapsed and there is no longer a way out. After all, everything in fact is lost, at least the last twenty years of his life are.

After that woman was out of his room, his mother explained calmly to him everything that happened, told and retold the last twenty or so years of his life. In fact, the woman is not crazy after all. She is indeed his wife. And he has two children with her. Henry and Roland she said are their names. His first reaction was, obviously, shock and then he immediately felt an overwhelming anger; anger for losing all these memories. He is an adult already, he has his own family, is apparently loved by his wife – if that kiss is an indication of that – and he just does not remember anything. This is extremely unfair, not only with him but also with everyone around him.

The woman. His wife, that is, returned to his room the next day. He was more welcoming after his conversation with his mother, so they were able to actually talk. She told him all about them and their children. The glint in her eyes when she speaks of them is undeniable, she definitely loves very much those two kids. And he should love them too - he would like to remember it. She kept coming back again and again after that day. Regina is her name. Beautiful name. She has been restless. And it really feels comfortable to be next to her, the conversation flows if he lets it, which he doesn't most of the times, because it is still strange to him. Besides, she always has this look towards him, so expressive, asking him so much ... He simply doesn't know how to act. He can see the sadness behind her eyes, as much as she does everything to hide her feelings from him, every time she tries to get him to remember something and he can't, he sees all the sadness in her eyes, even if it's only for a moment. That makes him extremely frustrated by not being able to remember anything, makes him completely upset to cause so much pain on another person. So every time he begins to notice how sad he makes her, he decides to give some excuse to make her leave, to push her away.

Friends have come by to visit every day. Robin doesn't remember them either, but they stay and talk anyway. They ask him how he is doing, tell funny stories and even laugh together, but there isn't a real connection with anybody other than his parents. It's amazing how one moment can change everything in a person's life. Impressive how an event can bring so much sorrow, sadness and loneliness – yes, because losing at least twenty years of life makes you a loner. Even if you have people on your side, they are living something different from you, in a different time. No matter the number of friends or family; you just don't feel good, you feel alone. A star lost in the sky, in the midst of so many others, trying to get close to the moon without even knowing the way, or why. Simply lost.

_Perhaps all of this will pass at some point; The anguish, the distress, the fear, the loneliness... The thoughts that are far from the reality - the reality that I don't know - sometimes it seems that it will pass; after all, there is no such a thing as eternal happiness. All I'm feeling won't be felt forever as well. _But this kind of thought soon disappear from Robin's head when he sees her. Once again, coming through the door. As always, she tries to hide her feelings, but he can see the hope that she carries with her while geting in.

This time she brought old photos, from high school if he is not mistaken. Photos of them both together and others with their friends. "Maybe seeing us younger might help, right? It's closer from what you remember." She says. And he tries. He really tries to recognize something in there, but the way she stares at him, always so intensely, waiting for him to remember something, suffocates him and he decides to say, again, that he did not wake up feeling really well, that he needs some rest and asks her to leave. "Maybe later, if I feel better, okay?" He says, lying in bed. He knows it makes her extremely sad, but he also knows that this is inevitable anyway. So better sonner than later, right? Best not keep creating expectations.

Every single moment that passes, he is more certain that he won't remember anything. Anything at all.

§

He will be released later today. And for the first time in all these days, Regina is not in his room when he wakes up. In fact, he has not seen her since yesterday in the late afternoon, when he said he was not feeling well and needed some rest. And that's a bit odd, because she is always here. But that's okay, for then he has time to actually make a decision as to his destination when he leaves the hospital. They've talked about it. Actually, Regina talked about it, he merely listened. She was all about how the children are homesick, how they are missing their father and can't wait to be home again with mommy and daddy. Not once she states what she wants and what she feels – not the he doesn't know – she is probably too afraid to let her desires out and scare him, as if he wasn't scared enough about this whole thing.

The point is that he doesn't want to go home. For he doesn't even know this _'home'_. He doesn't remember this house and it's no longer his home. It's only a house with three other strange people sharing it with him. Not home. Not anymore at least. Then there is also Regina. He can't handle more of this memory intensive treatment, he is always feeling forced into having to remember something and he knows once he is living with her, there will be no way to escape anymore. Besides, let's face it; He won't remember anything. She has been very insistent all these days and nothing has changed. He cannot live this way forever, nor can she. It's not fair to her, not really. She deserves to be happy and he knows that if it's on her, she will never give up on him. She has shown that much already, and he doesn't want that, can't have that. So, he needs to give up on it for her.

Clearly, they still have the kids and he can't neglect them. They don't deserve to go through this. No one deserves, but they are only children and won't understand that their father is alive, but at the same time they lost him because he doesn't remember them. So that's it. He won't escape from his responsibilities towards the kids. Will recreate a relationship with them slowly, with the help of his parents, of course. But he can't go home, not to her home. It's unfair. They understand that tragedies happen, they need to live with that now. They can and need to move on. Both of them. So live with his parents seems the most reasonable thing to do. It's what he knows, what seems familiar to him and what he needs right now. It seems cruel and selfish, but deep down he wants to give the best chance for the both of them. Regina is a stunning woman, her beauty is such that you can't admire the parts separately, you must admire her entirely; her most beautiful curve is her smile, and she goes far beyond only external beauty, she also has a beautiful soul. She deserves and will find happiness again, because with him, this is no longer possible.

§

When Regina gets to Robin's room, he's sitting in the armchair with a faraway look and she, for some reason, feel the need to be quite cheerful and gives him a 'good morning' full of joy, with a smile on her face that appears to be indeed genuine. Robin then awakes from his thoughts with her voice. She has a box in her hands. _Probably ready for another session of memory treatment._

While she goes in the direction of his bed, where she places the box, she explains to him that she had gone home with Emma yesterday and today she needed to stop at home to pick up some stuff. She keeps talking until Robin blurts; "Oh, okay Look. ... We need to talk. " He quickly notices the change in her stance. As if she knows something bad is coming and he sees her crossing her arms in front of her as if protecting herself for whatever is coming.

"So… As you might know, I'll be discharged later today." Robin starts, but stops waiting for any sign of approval from Regina, which she gives him in a form of a slight nod.

"And I think it's best if I go home with my parents" He adds then.

"You mean…" He can clearly see the confusion in Regina's face. Obviously, she wasn't expecting that. "What I mean is I will be staying in my parents' house." He explains calmly to her.

"For how long?" She asks, trying not to show too much. She holds her mask well and tries not to show the surprise, but of course he sees it behind her mask. "I don't know." He answers and then adds "Honestly… As long as it takes me to remember something about my life."

"Ok. I'll stop by every day and we can work on it. I'll take the kids as well, they miss you." She is hurt, he sees it. But she seems to be trying to be understanding about it.

She is a wonderful person; he has to give her that. Swallowing her pride, her own feelings, her own wills. She doesn't crumble in any moment, at least not in front of him. He knows she is extremely hurt and sad about all this since the beginning and the only thing he does is to make her suffer even more, but here she is once again putting all of her feelings and frustrations aside and being strong for him. She is, undoubtedly, an amazing person. The last thing he wants is to keep hurting her.

They stay in silence for a few seconds. But then Regina tries to change the topic, as if what he has just told her isn't a big deal and as if it's not hurting. "So… about this box – " But as soon as she starts reaching for the box, she feels Robin's hand on her and he cuts her. "Regina."

She stops and looks at him. He still has his hands on her arm and they stare at each other for a while until Robin realizes she hasn't move since he grabbed her. Clearing his throat, he recedes and lets her arm go before start speaking. "What I mean by that is that I need you to back off. I don't really know if these whole remembering exercises are doing me any good. Or doing you any good. It is clear that my brain has suffered permanent damage and I might never remember anything."

"Robin…"

"The thing is… The way you talk about us, it feels too much. I mean… It seems that the love that we shared was huge, like we were soul mates. Like I loved you to the moon and back, and you loved me in the same way."

"Yes… It was. It was everything. And I still feel the same."

"Exactly. You know how it was and you still feel it. But I don't. And it feels like a really big responsibility for me. I can't give you what you expect me to give, sorry."

There is that silence again. Very uncomfortable. Very hurtful. She doesn't say anything, but she must have a big storm going on inside her head, her eyes are full of tears and she is doing everything she can not to let them fall. He can't take it anymore. Can't keep hurting her like this. They need to stop doing this. "But… - " She tries, but he cuts her suddenly "Look, you seem like an incredible woman. And you are beautiful, that's unquestionable. I'm sure you will find someone that will make you happy again. I'm sorry, but I can't be this guy anymore." There. He said it. Plain and straight. His heart sank as the words came out of his mouth, and he felt an ache deep inside him that was kind of unexpected. But finally he managed to say it.

Her tears start falling down on her face. She turns from Robin then, trying to hide from him how hurt she is feeling right now, but he hears the sobs and sees the trembling of her body nonetheless. He wants to go to her, wants to wrap his arms around her, but he has just told her to let him go, to let them go. He can't comfort her. So, Robin doesn't move, even though he feels the storm that is going through her mind. The best thing he can do after all he just said is give her some time, and so he does. He is feeling like the worst guy in the world right now, but he is being honest. He knows he won't remember a thing from his life anymore, days have passed by and there was no change, none. Besides, this routine, these exercises and these trips to memory lane are only making him stressed, frustrated and feeling like his life – and hers – has stopped. Keeps reminding him of all he lost. He wants to move on from this sadness and daily drama, he wants to go back to live his life, as best as he can. Selfish or not, he needs this now or he will go crazy, more than he already feels.

It takes Regina a couple of minutes to recompose herself, to contain her sobs and the trembling that is going through her body, but she finally manages. When she does, she takes a deep breath and faces Robin again, but she can't find in herself to meet his eyes, she only whispers:

"What… What about the kids? What should I tell them?"

"The kids… They are my kids; I have to take responsibility at least in that. I talked to my mom and she will help me with that. Don't worry; I'm not a completely jerk. I will fulfill my duties as their father."

Regina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She answers with a nod and says:

"Ok. I… I think I should go now. There is nothing else left to say." And she finally looks at him. Robin nods. When she looks into his eyes, her tears start falling down once again, she isn't able to hold this time, so she let them fall freely.

"Bye Robin" She whispers and leaves the room without waiting for his answer, closing the door behind her and leaving the box long forgotten on the bed.


End file.
